Redemption

I have not written in a while! A lot has changed since my last post, ''Trials". Since that time, I have been growing in my relationship with the Lord. He has brought a wonderful God fearing man into my life. We are now married! The Lord has shown me redemption of all kinds through my marriage.

First, let me remind you of what I was like before the Lord. Since I was ten, I had always believed in Him (Please refer to my first entry "Testimony"). A prayer, as a ten year old, was answered and I never doubted His existence. I grew up with divorced parents that lead to it's own trials. It wasn't until I was 23 did I give my life to Him. I was going down my own path, feeding my own desires. I worked hard, studied hard, partied hard, and relied on my relationships to feel loved. It made me so empty that I didn't want to live anymore. I had nothing to live for... or so I thought.

I gave my life to Christ as a last option. The Lord was my last choice. What amazes me, is that even though I picked Him last, He came to my rescue as soon as the words, "Lord, please help me... I can't do this anymore." left my mouth. He showed me He had been waiting on me a long time before I cognitively understood what and who God was. The Lord had known me and loved me for a long time.

I want to take a second to tell you that no matter where your past has been, and no matter what decisions you have made, The Lord can redeem it all. He will redeem not only where you came from, but also the places you brought yourself. He will do this ONLY because he LOVES you; if you let Him.

I always wondered why I was allowed to see the Angel when I 10. Why did I ever write that letter? What made me so curious about the concept of God? I always wondered why the Lord had been so active in my life. (I can see this now; I couldn't see it then). I never understood my situation, why I went through what I went through and what God had to do with that.

On my wedding day, when my husband's Mother was giving her speech, she said, "When we knew I was pregnant, we were in a bible study where we discussed praying for our unborn children. That lead to praying for our son's future wife if he were to marry. We never knew who she was but we prayed that she would have a heart for The Lord. That she would come to know Him..." To find out that there was a family out there praying for me, before I was even born, who didn't know of the pain I would feel, and knew nothing of the struggle I would face to find wholeness in my life... is so far beyond me. It is the wonders of God and evidence of how deep His love for each one of us is.

It is in his word that, "Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes" Ephesians 1:4.

 

Not only did the Lord redeem the decisions I made in my life, He redeemed my past. My family has been in turmoil for a long time with one another. On my wedding day, they all came together. I had been praying everyday that The Lord be present at my wedding. I wanted Him to not only be apart of it but be the very foundation on which it is built.

 

For my wedding, I had my Father walk me down the isle and have my Stepfather marry me and my now husband. These are two men that have had such an instrumental part of my life. I love them both and The Lord provided the perfect situation to allow both of them an equal part in my marriage. These are also two men that have not gotten along for many reasons. But... on my wedding day, they hugged. If you only knew how symbolic this was... you could see The Lord.

 

The Lord works in ways we do not understand. We have difficulty believing in Him because He is not a tangible being and we live in such a tangible world. If we could just see Him and if we could just feel Him... then we would believe in Him. But would you? What amazes me about my whole situation is that even though He showed me He existed by sending a "white figure" to stand over my letter to God, I still didn't believe IN Him. He could give us all the proof in the world that He is real and we would still choose not to follow Him. He has given us everything we need to make a choice. Above all, He has given us the freedom to choose. And ultimately, choosing Him gives us freedom.

 

We are imperfect people have created imperfect means to teach others about the Lord. And regardless of our intentions, we have pushed people away by imperfectly representing the Lord. But, If you seek Him, He is perfect. He will take your life and redeem it. I believe His word to be true: "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). When you seek the things of this world for love and happiness, it will only destroy you, but seek the Lord and you will have life.

I want to share my stories so that maybe you too can either come to find Him or give hope to those who are in the valley. This life will always have ups and downs; the Lord gives meaning to it all. I want to encourage you that The Lord is very active in your life. If you choose to walk away from Him, He will be waiting for you to return. If you cannot feel Him right now, He is very close. If you have never known Him, He has always known you.

"And through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him..."

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble



 

Trials

 

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians 1:6

 

   I have been following Christ for almost a year. I realized that I had nothing to live for and I couldn't do this without God. I surrendered myself to Him and accepted Him into my life. Since then, He has been changing my heart. It started with a fire, and now there are trials.

   My latest test has been a reminder of who I really serve. The past month has been a back to back of me falling short of my own expectations. Particularly at work, but just a back to back of making mistakes.  Of course these mistakes are not on purpose and they are genuine mistakes. However, they were occurring more than normal. One mistake after another. I was getting down on myself and almost desperate to prove that I am not incompetent!

 

   God is funny in the way He works and the way He teaches us. I was getting to a point where my fire was burning low. I just didn't understand why God would put me in a career and allow me to... well, struggle at it! Why would He do that? Certainly He would put me in a job to be good at it to show others that following Him makes you good at your job and somehow in that they will want to follow God too? ...Sounds kind of selfish now...It sounds selfish because it is and I was being selfish.  I realized that my earthly job means absolutely nothing if I'm not serving Him. He showed me this by allowing me to realize that I was looking for approval from people and not Him. I wanted to be good, I wanted to do well for myself and not for the glory of God. It's easy to do! We all want the approval of others and to be liked! It's in our nature. But, we are not perfect and no human approval will ever amount to the love of God.

  My lesson learned was that no matter what I do, do it for the glory of God. Do this because when I had nothing, He provided and when I deserved nothing, He gave me everything. No man could ever do that, even if he wanted to. When I go into work, I remember who I serve and that makes all the mundane worldly things seem so trivial compared to the purpose and peace God has given me. That doesn't mean I stop working hard or that I will stop struggling with this, but it means that God has given me a lesson to help me get through the day to day. A tool in remembering why I'm here and that He is with me. A reminder that if what I'm doing is not for God, it holds no value.

 

   God puts trials in our lives to teach us lessons. He does it because He loves us. He made me realize that when we go through things like this, to be glad of it! It means God is working on us! It means He loves you so much that He, the creator of the universe, thinks of you and what you need personally to grow. When you had a professor, teacher, or mentor go out of their way to help you

 with something, you respected them for it because they didn't have to do that for you. Think about the God who created a universe that we can't even wrap our minds around took His "time" to think about what you needed to make you better. He didn't have to do that. He does it because He loves you.

 

   We all go through trials. We go through small ones and we go through big ones. I have most definitely been through things in my life that were harder than others. But it's not a measure of the trial as it is a measure of faith. If you are in a trial of some kind right now, no matter how difficult or how impossible it may seem, know that God is there. There is a reason and a purpose for it. He is doing a good work in you because He loves you. If you have to, as I did, force yourself to get into the word. You won't always have the hunger and desire to do it. Do it any way. It is easy to forget that our God is for us and not against us. Be glad that He is working on you.

 

 

 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -James 1:2-4

 

 

 

Questions

How do you find comfort in something you can't see or touch?

 I have seen things and I have felt God.


To you, what does it mean to serve God?
  
To serve God, right now, is to seek Him always. I look for Him in everything I do. I think about Him and I read His Word. He has asked me to read the Bible. So serving God means I've surrendered my life, let Him in my heart and learn as much as I can about who God is.


If there is a God, how are you supposed to know what he wants from you or how to serve him best?

   I don't even know what He wants me to do with my life yet. He has been very clear that my job as His servant is to love Him with all my heart and love people as I love myself. He has asked me to share my testimony so that others may learn to find Him and know Him too. Love people; be there for them. When no one else wants them because of how bad of a person they are or how lost they are; love them. Love them so they can see God. So they can see what God has done for me. How He has changed me and how He has fulfilled my life. You serve Him when you realize that there is no other way but Him. You have tried everything in this life to feel like you have meaning and purpose and always come up empty handed and full of sorrow. Then you realize that God is the only answer. When you realize God is the only answer, you are challenged to believe that your way of living is wrong. You are full of sadness because what you have been doing has no meaning and you're sorry. But God says, "I love you and I have a purpose for you. If you chose me, I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. I have a plan for you; a plan for good. A plan to proposer you and not to harm you. I love you despite your rebelling against me and to find meaning in everything but me. I will always keep asking you to come back to me. Even if you deny me a thousand times, I will never give up on you."


When you're dealing with different issues in your life, do you ask God to help you through them or just ask for the wisdom to make it through on your own?

 I ask for God to help through everything. I ask for God to give me wisdom...His wisdom through it, and He does.

  Ecclesiastes 2:26: To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

   James 1:5: If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

   This is what I'm new at because I haven't followed God before. I just believed Him to be real. So I've been learning what it means to follow Him and how He talks to me. He's been teaching me how to live in certain circumstances.


Is it enough to serve God by just being a good person?

   I assume by being a good person you mean doing good deeds. But the cross, or following God, demands that you trust in Him and surrender your life to Him. It is not by doing good things that you are saved or is required for following God. Of course being a "good person" comes from following God but that comes with surrendering your life. Entrusting your life in God's hands.

   So many times in the bible it says it is by faith (Trust in God) that counts. Because if you don't have faith being a "good person" doesn't mean anything. You can do "good things" and still be someone who doesn't believe in God. By definition of following Christ we are a new creation and are therefore different from everyone else. Because we as people are naturally flawed, there is no amount of good deed or being a good person that is "good enough for God". And the amazing thing is we don't have to be "good enough for God".

   Ephesians 2:8-9: For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the faith of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

   James 2:26: For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead. 

   2 Corinthians 5:17: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

   Galatians 2:20: I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

   Romans 3:23-26:  For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement through the shedding of his blood to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished  he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.


Do you regret any of it? The whole experience of finding God?

  This is one of those things that is very hard to explain until you get to a point where you surrender yourself to Him because you want Him in your life. Choosing to follow God is not like choosing what college you want to go to or what career path you want to take or even who you want to marry. Choosing God is choosing a way of life and a way of death. You are choosing, in this life to follow THE God. To live out the plan he has for your life. Which is always good. Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you," declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." He has a plan for your life providing you choose it. His plan is good for you and it glorifies Him.

   You also made a choice of what happens when you die. You choose a life of eternity with God. John 11:25 Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live..." John 5:24: "Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life." The fact is: You will die one day. What do you believe happens? You just die and that's it? What if you don't just die. This life is about choosing. You either choose God or you don't; there is no middle ground. If you die and find out there's life after death... It's a little too late.

So, do I regret choosing to follow a God that loves me,

"I knew you before you were conceived" -Jeremiah 1:4-5-. "I chose you when I planned creation" -Ephesians 1:11-12-. "You were not a mistake... for all your days are written in my book" -Psalm 138:15-16-. "I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live" -Acts 17:26-. "You are fearfully and wonderfully made" - Psalms 139:14-. A God who wants to do good to me? "It is my desire to lavish my love on you, simply because you are my child and I am your Father" -1 John 3:1-. "I offer you more than your earthly father ever could" -Matthew 7:11-. "Every good gift you receive comes from my hand" -James 1:17-. "For I am your provider and I meet all of your needs" -Matthew 6:31-33- . Who promises to be there for me when I'm hurting? "When you are broken hearted I am close to you" -Psalm 34:18-. "One day I will wipe away every tear from your eye and I will take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth" -Revelations 21:3-4-. Who sacrifices for love? "I am your father and I love you even as I love my son Jesus" -John 17:23-. "He is the exact representation of my being" -Hebrews 1:3-. "He came to demonstrate that I am for you and not against you" -Romans 8:31-. "And to tell you I am not counting your sins. Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled" -2 Corinthians 5:18-19-. "His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you" -1 John 4:10-. "I gave up everything I love that I might gain your love" -Romans 8:32-.

No, I don't regret that.


What if you don't feel anything anymore? How can someone love you when you don't even love yourself?

  You are able to love in the first place because God loves you. God is love.    

1 John 4:19:  "We love because he first loved us."
1John 4:16: "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."

I know what it's like to not love yourself. Now that I am where I am in my life, I know God loves me and that's enough. I've haven't had to worry about someone else loving me or even me loving myself. I know that doesn't make sense but that's how I see it.


It seems like in order to accept God into your life, you have to love him. But how can you do that when you really don't even remember what it's like to love anyone let alone yourself. How are you supposed to learn to love anything when you just feel hollow?

   He loved you first. So that implies that you don't love first. You don't have to love Him first. You just have to accept Him. Let Him show you He loves you. In order to do that, you have to acknowledge Him. You are hollow because you haven't accepted Him. You will always be hollow until you realize He is that only things that can fill the void in your heart. It's hard to love yourself when you don't have love. God is love -1 John 4:8-. You don't love yourself because you don't know God. But He knows you. That is the whole point. Do you believe God to be real? That is where you start.


It is hard to wrap my mind around the possibility of an all powerful being that is everywhere at the same time. Something that is capable of unconditional love.

  We aren't supposed to be able to wrap our heads around it. You'll be in a life long pursuit of trying to understand if you think following God means you'll understand everything He understands. That's like looking at your Dad when you're three and saying "You're not my Dad unless I understand everything about who you are. You know your Dad is your Dad when you're a kid by believing he is.


If God wants us to believe in him, why not make his presence more known and remove all doubt?

   Would you want a God who forces you to believe in Him? Forces you into surrendering to who He is? The greatest gift from God is our free will. He's not going to spell it out for you because it all comes down to choice. You have to want God. Even with all the experiences I have had, He still leaves me with a choice and I'll be honest, all the proof in the world could point to the existence of a God, and people would still choose not to serve Him. He has shown me so many things in the spiritual world, yet I still had to make a choice. It is said in the bible, not sure the reference, even demons acknowledge God is real. When you want God, when you seek Him, He will show Himself to you. Trust me. But you have to want it. Truly want it.










Sources:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEfJpJ1lhQc

A Fire

A burning passion.
A sense of great purpose
A peace that satisfies
A Love that consumes
A heart that is changed

Because I have recently truly devoted my life to Christ, I have experienced a change in the things I desire. But, I want to relate this to you as much as I can. I really need you to understand that coming to God is not about being changed to perfection. You do not have to be perfect to stand before God because we will never reach it. (“Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.") I'm not going to pretend that I am innocent or that I am righteous, or rarely make mistakes with my life because it's far from the truth. I came to God, though I believed in him at 10, at my lowest point in my life. It took me being at my lowest before I realized I couldn't do this without Him.

I have realized that the things that I used to enjoy are becoming bitter and that when I do them, I am filled with guilt afterwards. For example, partying, carrying on conversation that has no deep meaning, planning my life for how I think it should go, or wishing for a relationship that will make me feel complete. I literally feel an ache after these things. I thank God for letting me feel that way because it shows me that He is guiding me and He cares about my life and what I do with it.

I would describe my life in this moment like a fire. My life is full of passion, I feel I have purpose, I have peace, and I feel loved. These are things that I have never experienced before now. They are things that I sought after, they are things that I desired, but they are things I could NOT find anywhere. You will search for eternity for these things if you do not look in the right place. First, I want to show you what my thought process was like before letting God in. I was lost, I was searching, I was negative towards myself, and then I fell into the lowest of lows. Here are some of those entries:

October 15, 2003

Wherever we move I feel like I'm a plague affecting everyone around me... I couldn't believe that I got myself into all that mess. I was so mad at myself that day.

June 2006

I'm trying to find the importance of life, but there is so much to life. Maybe I'm not working at it hard enough.

May 16, 2008

I'm not doing well in school. I'm not stupid. I found myself yet again talking to God. It seems I have only been talking to Him when I am upset. I asked myself, and Him, over and over again why "this" matters. Why does any of it matter?

May 25, 2008

I NEED to know someone cares... I need to know that someone will be there for me, to love me...

February 7, 2010

I always look back and wonder who am I going to be after all of this?

April 28, 2013

Lord, I am weak. My heart is broken. I'm trying to trust you. Lord please give me strength so I can keep my eyes and heart on you. This is like an addiction to me. I keep relapsing.

May 2013

I am stuck in a pit and the only way I'm getting out is if you save me, because no one else can. You're the only one who can save me. I'm empty.

Aug 2013

God, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for everything. I am so sorry I have sought after everything but you, please take this, what would you have me do?


This is where the entry 'Beloved' comes in. :) So, please take a moment to read that!

God has changed my heart. My heart burns with a passion for Him. Does this passion mean that suddenly I will be great in what I do? Absolutely not, this passion allows me to want what God wants. I want to glorify God, not for myself, but because He is good. If that means that I lose everything I have, if that means that I die alone, lose my job, lose my home, then so be it. I have selfishly wanted things... I've wanted power, I've wanted comfort, I've wanted success, and I realized that I wanted them purely for myself. My passion for God is renewed when I remember that my life can have no great purpose by itself, but that God gives me that purpose. This fire has brought me a sense of peace that whatever happens, as long as I am continuously seeking Him in all that I do, down to taking a drink of water, my life has meaning, my life has a purpose, and my life is filled with Love.

I started describing this change before I started looking in scripture and here is what I found:

Luke 3:16

I baptize with water those who repent of their sins and turn to God. But someone is coming soon who is greater than I am - so much greater that I'm not worthy even to be his slave and carry his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire.

Acts 2: 1-4

On the day of Pentecost all the believers were meeting together in one place. Suddenly there was a sound from heaven like the roaring of a mighty windstorm, and It filled the house where they were sitting. Then what looked like flames or tongues of fire appeared and settled on each of them. And everyone present was filled with the Holy Spirit...

Hebrews 13: 29

For our God is a consuming fire.

2 Corinthians 3:15-

Yes, even today when they read Moses' writings, their hearts are covered with that veil, and they do not understand. But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord - who is the Spirit - makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.



There is a process to feeling this fire. First, I had to get to a point in my life where I was constantly empty and bitter. That no matter what I did, I felt an ache in my heart. Then I had to realize how bad of a person I actually was. I know that sounds awful, but it's the truth. I had done things that I knew were just wrong. I had to realize that I couldn't do "this" anymore, and "this" being life. I was tired of searching for something that I couldn't find through any means! I finally said, "Ok, God... please take my life. If you're real and you can do what you say you can, take this! Take all my pain, take all my mistakes because I'm done!" After I did that... I felt the fire. I hope and pray you find it because it is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. I want you to know that there is an answer, and if you let it, it can consume you and change you forever.



                                                                  Ezekiel 36: 25-27

  I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you.  And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.