A burning passion.
A sense of great purpose
A peace that satisfies
A Love that consumes
A heart that is changed
Because I have recently truly devoted my life to Christ, I have experienced a change in the things I desire. But, I want to relate this to you as much as I can. I really need you to understand that coming to God is not about being changed to perfection. You do not have to be perfect to stand before God because we will never reach it. (“Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.") I'm not going to pretend that I am innocent or that I am righteous, or rarely make mistakes with my life because it's far from the truth. I came to God, though I believed in him at 10, at my lowest point in my life. It took me being at my lowest before I realized I couldn't do this without Him.
I have realized that the things that I used to enjoy are becoming bitter and that when I do them, I am filled with guilt afterwards. For example, partying, carrying on conversation that has no deep meaning, planning my life for how I think it should go, or wishing for a relationship that will make me feel complete. I literally feel an ache after these things. I thank God for letting me feel that way because it shows me that He is guiding me and He cares about my life and what I do with it.
I would describe my life in this moment like a fire. My life is full of passion, I feel I have purpose, I have peace, and I feel loved. These are things that I have never experienced before now. They are things that I sought after, they are things that I desired, but they are things I could NOT find anywhere. You will search for eternity for these things if you do not look in the right place. First, I want to show you what my thought process was like before letting God in. I was lost, I was searching, I was negative towards myself, and then I fell into the lowest of lows. Here are some of those entries:
October 15, 2003
Wherever we move I feel like I'm a plague affecting everyone around me... I couldn't believe that I got myself into all that mess. I was so mad at myself that day.
June 2006
I'm trying to find the importance of life, but there is so much to life. Maybe I'm not working at it hard enough.
May 16, 2008
I'm not doing well in school. I'm not stupid. I found myself yet again talking to God. It seems I have only been talking to Him when I am upset. I asked myself, and Him, over and over again why "this" matters. Why does any of it matter?
May 25, 2008
I NEED to know someone cares... I need to know that someone will be there for me, to love me...
February 7, 2010
I always look back and wonder who am I going to be after all of this?
April 28, 2013
Lord, I am weak. My heart is broken. I'm trying to trust you. Lord please give me strength so I can keep my eyes and heart on you. This is like an addiction to me. I keep relapsing.
May 2013
I am stuck in a pit and the only way I'm getting out is if you save me, because no one else can. You're the only one who can save me. I'm empty.
Aug 2013
God, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for everything. I am so sorry I have sought after everything but you, please take this, what would you have me do?
This is where the entry 'Beloved' comes in. :) So, please take a moment to read that!
God has changed my heart. My heart burns with a passion for Him. Does this passion mean that suddenly I will be great in what I do? Absolutely not, this passion allows me to want what God wants. I want to glorify God, not for myself, but because He is good. If that means that I lose everything I have, if that means that I die alone, lose my job, lose my home, then so be it. I have selfishly wanted things... I've wanted power, I've wanted comfort, I've wanted success, and I realized that I wanted them purely for myself. My passion for God is renewed when I remember that my life can have no great purpose by itself, but that God gives me that purpose. This fire has brought me a sense of peace that whatever happens, as long as I am continuously seeking Him in all that I do, down to taking a drink of water, my life has meaning, my life has a purpose, and my life is filled with Love.
I started describing this change before I started looking in scripture and here is what I found:
Luke 3:16
I baptize with water those who repent of their sins and turn to God. But someone is coming soon who is greater than I am - so much greater that I'm not worthy even to be his slave and carry his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire.
Acts 2: 1-4
On the day of Pentecost all the believers were meeting together in one place. Suddenly there was a sound from heaven like the roaring of a mighty windstorm, and It filled the house where they were sitting. Then what looked like flames or tongues of fire appeared and settled on each of them. And everyone present was filled with the Holy Spirit...
Hebrews 13: 29
For our God is a consuming fire.
2 Corinthians 3:15-
Yes, even today when they read Moses' writings, their hearts are covered with that veil, and they do not understand. But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord - who is the Spirit - makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.
There is a process to feeling this fire. First, I had to get to a point in my life where I was constantly empty and bitter. That no matter what I did, I felt an ache in my heart. Then I had to realize how bad of a person I actually was. I know that sounds awful, but it's the truth. I had done things that I knew were just wrong. I had to realize that I couldn't do "this" anymore, and "this" being life. I was tired of searching for something that I couldn't find through any means! I finally said, "Ok, God... please take my life. If you're real and you can do what you say you can, take this! Take all my pain, take all my mistakes because I'm done!" After I did that... I felt the fire. I hope and pray you find it because it is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. I want you to know that there is an answer, and if you let it, it can consume you and change you forever.
Ezekiel 36: 25-27
I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.
