Beloved

I invite you to do something tonight; If you're someone who doesn't believe in God, just take a few minutes to really sit by yourself and ask, "God, I want to know if you're real." The way that I look at it is you have absolutely nothing to lose. If there isn't a God, then there isn't. But, if there is... I'm here to tell you, there are wonders that you have yet to even scratch the surface on.

I hope I don't push you away from reading because I talk about God, but I can't stop talking about it... it has completely changed my life. My past was so wrecked, consumed with so much conflict and the only thing that saved me was God. I have no idea where I would be right now if I hadn't had my encounter with God at ten. (If you haven't read my first blog, please stop and read 'Testimony').

If you're like me, and have a past that when you think on it, breaks your heart and leaves a hole, there is only one thing that I have ever experienced that fills it.

I have told you some experiences from my past but I want to bring you to my present for this blog. Because of my past, I have had some holes that needed filling. Let me tell you, even up to now, I have tried to fill that hole with everything but God.  They all have left me empty and with the bitter taste of guilt. I still question if my life will ever feel complete.

Just last night, I recalled an event from my recent past where I had become a person that I couldn't recognize, a person that hated herself, a person that hated the life she was in, and could not think of one good thing in it. After recalling that moment a rush of deep guilt and shame came over me for even thinking that way. I was completely selfish in thinking that my life was all about me and how I couldn't see one good thing that I had. I let the negative consume me. I did things that I regret, said things that I wish I could take back, and was a victim to events that would scar me. I literally cried and said, "Jesus, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I thought the life you gave me was worthless and I'm so sorry I have gone to everything but you... Jesus, I need you". Immediately after saying this out loud, my Pandora played this song... a song I never heard before:

Beloved:

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need

Give me your life
The lust and the lies
And the past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved 

Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Come running home to me

You're my beloved 

Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us it bind you to me

You've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips and you'll taste new life

If you have been in a place where you are heartbroken and feel regret and guilt then you understand how wonderful it would be to hear these words.

Even if you're not convinced, or feel my words are cheesy, and sometime they are! I apologize! But I have been so broken. I have been so low. I have been so ashamed. The ONLY thing that helps, the ONLY thing that gives me peace is this. I want YOU to have this too. I want you to experience love so powerful it literally makes you fall to your knees and cry. If you have been as broken as I have, I'm here to tell you that this     love      is      real.

All you have to do is truly open your heart and ask, and God will show you Himself in a way that you can understand.

And Also Darkness

There is light and also darkness.

In my last blog, I described my first encounter. I knew what it was almost immediately after seeing it... an angel. I don't think I was allowed to see all of it, just enough to know it was there. It was all white, it had a human like shape and when it "spoke" to me, it wasn't through it's mouth or audible in any way, it was in my heart. A few days after my experience, I drew a picture of it and saved it somewhere... I'm sad to say I don't know where it is.

Now that I have shared with you my first experience, I hope that you can be open to all that I will share with you because they are truly things that I have witnessed.

I said that you were a part of something greater. That your life has a destiny or a purpose for good, providing you choose it.  I also said that your life is about a battle of good and evil where love always conquers all. Seeing an angel was my proof of life beyond us and that God is very real. My next experience was far different from the last. This explanation will be very brief because my experience with this was very brief. It is not the last experience, but I will be sharing them in chronological order.

This part of my life, I would describe as a precursor to an explosion. It was about to be the beginning of a lot of conflict; my brother and I could sense it. Have you ever walked into a room and just felt the tension? That is how I would describe life at this point.

Shortly after my experience, closer to when my parents were to be divorced, I was sleeping in my parents bed. It was just me and my Mom. I remember I was scared because even though the room was dark, it "felt" dark. I remember thinking, "Maybe this is the angel again?" but I knew it wasn't. I knew that something about the "atmosphere" was off, and I kept looking around to try to figure it out.  I remember fixating on a spot on the ceiling in the room where is was especially dark. It was in the right hand corner of the room above the door leading out of the bedroom. I tried to wake my Mom to tell her that I was scared and something was in the room with us, "a man on the ceiling", but she just told me "It's OK, it's here to protect you." and then I knew that she was not seeing or feeling what I was.

Nothing ever came of the being, to me anyway. It didn't communicate with me and I'm not sure if it knew I could see it. But he was there and he was watching, and I first felt the negativity before I saw anything. I don't remember what ended up happening but I must have been able to get to a point where I could fall asleep.

This "negative" experience is the first of many that I have had. There is one thing that I want to make very clear before I continue sharing them... I have seen more bad "things" than I have good. The only "good thing" that I have seen was the angel at ten years old. However, the one good experience far outweighs any dark thing that has ever presented itself. It's not to say that those experiences weren't serious or weren't influential, but the good has always outweighed any of the bad.

I will share these stories the way I experienced them and eventually will get to a point where I tell you conclusions I have come to regarding them. But right now I will just give you facts so that maybe you can begin to make conclusions for your own life.